shaggy
Member
More Baked Beans
Enjoy
Here's a dire warning to all about baked beans;
I distinctly remember one memorable day years ago when I worked in an office in the city. I’d eaten a whole tin of beans on toast for breakfast, followed by a large handful of dried apricots and prunes for morning tea, and then a rather hot and spicy serving of Thai Jungle Curry for lunch. Well, by mid-afternoon the rumbling gastric juices in my stomach were a sure sign that I was about to productively contribute to global warming. So, I figured for the safe well being of my numerous colleagues, that I should do the right thing and vacate the office.
Whilst tightly squeezing my butt cheeks I awkwardly hurried for the nearby elevator and promptly hit the ‘Down’ button. Lucky for me the doors soon opened to an empty lift, I abruptly leapt inside and quickly stabbed the ‘Ground’ floor button. The doors had no sooner closed when I felt this almighty urge to bare down, arguably similar to a contraction experienced by women during labour, so I thought, stuff it, why not here. Accordingly, I did a bit of a squat and forcibly expelled a reverberating flatulence that would have undoubtedly bowled the judges over had I auditioned for ‘Australia’s Got Talent’. However, the accompanying pungent taste and foul whiff literally had me gagging to the point where I desperately needed fresh air fast. Thankfully the lift doors suddenly opened, but, to my shock and horror, about a dozen people immediately barged their way in like a mob of sheep heading for the chute in a shearing shed. So much for them being polite and letting me out first. I assumed a nonchalant and composed manner, pushed the ‘UP’ button and calmly made my exit.
Just picture the poor buggers, essentially entombed inside a gas chamber, no doubt all soon frantically pushing buttons left, right and centre. As for me, I wasn’t so much concerned about possibly having scorched my undies but I was fearful that I may not have vaporised all the contents of my bowels and so I gingerly shook each leg to see if there was anything dripping down my thighs.
In hindsight, it was possibly a healthy experience for the group of people because my dad often exclaimed;
“Vitamins in the air, sniff up big as they only go around once !”
Also for me, as he frequently stated;
“Tis better to fart and stink a little than to bust your ‘popper valve’ and be a cripple”.
So, all be mindful that the consumption of such foods during the course of the day, may very well not only potentially impair your taste and nasal chemo-receptors but you’re likely to substantially add to global warming (resulting in a rise in Carbon taxes) and your embarrassing forceful eviction from your work place !!
Enjoy
Here's a dire warning to all about baked beans;
I distinctly remember one memorable day years ago when I worked in an office in the city. I’d eaten a whole tin of beans on toast for breakfast, followed by a large handful of dried apricots and prunes for morning tea, and then a rather hot and spicy serving of Thai Jungle Curry for lunch. Well, by mid-afternoon the rumbling gastric juices in my stomach were a sure sign that I was about to productively contribute to global warming. So, I figured for the safe well being of my numerous colleagues, that I should do the right thing and vacate the office.
Whilst tightly squeezing my butt cheeks I awkwardly hurried for the nearby elevator and promptly hit the ‘Down’ button. Lucky for me the doors soon opened to an empty lift, I abruptly leapt inside and quickly stabbed the ‘Ground’ floor button. The doors had no sooner closed when I felt this almighty urge to bare down, arguably similar to a contraction experienced by women during labour, so I thought, stuff it, why not here. Accordingly, I did a bit of a squat and forcibly expelled a reverberating flatulence that would have undoubtedly bowled the judges over had I auditioned for ‘Australia’s Got Talent’. However, the accompanying pungent taste and foul whiff literally had me gagging to the point where I desperately needed fresh air fast. Thankfully the lift doors suddenly opened, but, to my shock and horror, about a dozen people immediately barged their way in like a mob of sheep heading for the chute in a shearing shed. So much for them being polite and letting me out first. I assumed a nonchalant and composed manner, pushed the ‘UP’ button and calmly made my exit.
Just picture the poor buggers, essentially entombed inside a gas chamber, no doubt all soon frantically pushing buttons left, right and centre. As for me, I wasn’t so much concerned about possibly having scorched my undies but I was fearful that I may not have vaporised all the contents of my bowels and so I gingerly shook each leg to see if there was anything dripping down my thighs.
In hindsight, it was possibly a healthy experience for the group of people because my dad often exclaimed;
“Vitamins in the air, sniff up big as they only go around once !”
Also for me, as he frequently stated;
“Tis better to fart and stink a little than to bust your ‘popper valve’ and be a cripple”.
So, all be mindful that the consumption of such foods during the course of the day, may very well not only potentially impair your taste and nasal chemo-receptors but you’re likely to substantially add to global warming (resulting in a rise in Carbon taxes) and your embarrassing forceful eviction from your work place !!
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