feralbass
Member
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
*
I think the nice thing about AD is that one can meet new people every day!
*
An elderly lady calls 000 on her mobile to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."
*
A new study says low levels of testosterone in older men may lead to Alzheimer's disease.
Ironically, in younger men high levels of testosterone can also render the brain completely useless.
*
Where are you going?” the wife asked of her senile husband. “Going to cut the grass,” as he headed to the garage. She ran to the window when she heard the car starting and peering out, saw him driving across the front lawn, down the side, and to the back yard, back and forth, up and down. Finally, he parked the car, went in the house and triumphantly said, “Wow! That power mower is the best.”
*
Doctor Ryan tells his patient, Muriel, 'Well I have good news and bad news...'
Muriel responds, 'Tell me Doc. What's the bad news?'
You have Alzheimer's disease.'
'Good heavens!' exclaims Muriel, ' So, what's the good news?'
'You can go home and forget about it.' Says Dr Ryan
*
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
*
A senior couple were getting together to have dinner in one of their homes, and the wives were in the kitchen working. The husbands were in the family room chatting.
One man said to the other 'We went to a restaurant last week for dinner and had a wonderful time. The food was great, service was superb, and the location was wonderful.'
The other man asked 'What's the name of the place'
The first man scratched his head, thought for a bit, then said "I can't quite remember - what's the name of that flower, you know, the one with the thorns?'
The second man said 'You mean a rose?'
The first man said 'Yes! that's it!' Then he shouted 'Rose - what's the name of that restaurant we ate at last week?'
*
Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office.
The Doctor asks "What is three times three?"
The first man answers "274."
The second man answers "Tuesday."
The third man answers "Nine."
The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires "Great! How did you get that answer?"
"Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday." [Ahhhh...dementia logic!]
*
Three friends with dementia, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
*
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
*
People say Alzheimer's is the worst thing you can have happen to a family member.
Being an optimist I'm trying to look on the bright side. I've made 150 from that tenner my Grandad keeps thinking he owes me.
*
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
*
I think the nice thing about AD is that one can meet new people every day!
*
An elderly lady calls 000 on her mobile to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."
*
A new study says low levels of testosterone in older men may lead to Alzheimer's disease.
Ironically, in younger men high levels of testosterone can also render the brain completely useless.
*
Where are you going?” the wife asked of her senile husband. “Going to cut the grass,” as he headed to the garage. She ran to the window when she heard the car starting and peering out, saw him driving across the front lawn, down the side, and to the back yard, back and forth, up and down. Finally, he parked the car, went in the house and triumphantly said, “Wow! That power mower is the best.”
*
Doctor Ryan tells his patient, Muriel, 'Well I have good news and bad news...'
Muriel responds, 'Tell me Doc. What's the bad news?'
You have Alzheimer's disease.'
'Good heavens!' exclaims Muriel, ' So, what's the good news?'
'You can go home and forget about it.' Says Dr Ryan
*
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
*
A senior couple were getting together to have dinner in one of their homes, and the wives were in the kitchen working. The husbands were in the family room chatting.
One man said to the other 'We went to a restaurant last week for dinner and had a wonderful time. The food was great, service was superb, and the location was wonderful.'
The other man asked 'What's the name of the place'
The first man scratched his head, thought for a bit, then said "I can't quite remember - what's the name of that flower, you know, the one with the thorns?'
The second man said 'You mean a rose?'
The first man said 'Yes! that's it!' Then he shouted 'Rose - what's the name of that restaurant we ate at last week?'
*
Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office.
The Doctor asks "What is three times three?"
The first man answers "274."
The second man answers "Tuesday."
The third man answers "Nine."
The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires "Great! How did you get that answer?"
"Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday." [Ahhhh...dementia logic!]
*
Three friends with dementia, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
*
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
*
People say Alzheimer's is the worst thing you can have happen to a family member.
Being an optimist I'm trying to look on the bright side. I've made 150 from that tenner my Grandad keeps thinking he owes me.
*
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
