RLI's Joke Page

Your surname remains the same.

The shed is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant. (unless your Dave the Navara forum admin guy)

You can wear a white T-shirt to a Wet and Wild.

You can wear NO shirt to the beach.

Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another service station toilet because this one is just too dirty.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Suit rental-$100.

People don't stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about 4x4's, boats and camping.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for any act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, they can still be a friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can catch and run at the same time.

You can read a map without turning it upside down.

You can get pissed without affecting your integrity.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

No one cares if you smell, yell or tell.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier

Regards,

RLI

RLI said:

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:​

You can catch and run at the same time.

Click to expand...

Just cracked up out loud

To edit or not to edit and let my secret out ?

I was only thinking the other day about the benfits of being a guy.

Oh there's more.

Dave & Krafty

While walking through a Park in Singleton NSW, Dave came upon Krafty Pg hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this, Dave inquired, "Just out of curiosity Krafty, what the heck are you doing mate?"

"Krafty replies, I'm listening to the music of the tree Dave."

"You've gotta be kiddin' me Krafty Dave said."

"No said Krafty, would you like to give it a try Dave?"

Understandably curious, Dave says, "Well, OK... mate, but i think your taking the piss"

So Dave wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, Krafty slapped a pair of handcuffs on Dave, took his wallet and car keys, then stripped him naked and pissed off, whilst pissing himself laughing.

Two hours later Senator Bob Brown just happened to be visiting the park, saw poor Dave handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you mate?"

Dave told Senator Brown the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, Senator Brown shook his head in sympathy,

walked around behind Dave, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

"This just certainly is not gonna be your day, Dave..."

Regards,

RLI

Oh my god, the one with the senator is a killer! It seems to apply to the majority of politicians no matter what country we're talking about!

Great one!

PMSL .... naughty boy RLI ....

LOL

General Schwarzopf

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... The military's job is to arrange the meeting."

Regards,

RLI:
cheers!:

RLI said:

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... The military's job is to arrange the meeting."

Regards,

RLI:
cheers!:

Click to expand...

Brilliant!!

Muslim Australian Kid!


A young Australian Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing dad?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing dad?" asked the boy.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son then asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet dad?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"Tell me," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are we living in Sydney dad and you are still wearing all this crap?"

Regards,

RLI

I'd like the son to ask mum why she's wearing what she's wearing, too....

Dave said:

To edit or not to edit and let my secret out ?

I was only thinking the other day about the benfits of being a guy.

Oh there's more.

Click to expand...

Hey, I've got three great things 'bout being a girl, but since this is a family show I'd better shut up.

.

My Navara!

I bought a new ute and returned it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?''Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers. Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Rolling Stones,' I'd get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly stacked my new Navara, but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, 'Arse Hole C--T!' Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Australia, Ms Julia Gillard......."

Regards,

RLI



Damn, I love this truck...

lol I thought the liberals were bad with the gst, But she takes the cake with her carbon tax.

I was on a teleconference last year and one of the fellas was driving and listening hands-free. He thought he had muted the phone and we were listening to our boss drone on and all of a sudden he yells out "you f*cking c*ck sucker!!" when someone cut him off. Bloody funny at the time.

Keeo the jokes coming, RLI.

Cattle dog.

Julia Gillard called Kevin Rudd into her office one day and said "Kevin, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters"..

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Kevin.

"Well", said Gillard, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Kevin.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Gillard to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Rudd and Gillard stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"...

Regards,

RL1

Two crocodiles!

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'

Regards,

RLI

God visited a man and told him that he must give up smoking, drinking and
sex if he wants to get into heaven.....

The man said he would try his best.

God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.

"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when
the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long
slender legs, I pull her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side
and gave her one right there ".

"They don't like that in heaven", said God...



The man replied "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!

Regards,

RLI

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Regards,

RLI

Good one!!!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Aussie politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The yank snapped his gum and said, 'You Aussie folk eat the whole bread?'

The Aussie frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course we do mate!.'

The Yank then blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia ...' The American had a smirk on his face. The Aussie listened in silence.

The Yank persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Aussie replied, 'of course we do mate!.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Yank said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ...

The Aussie then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'


The Yank smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Aussie leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?' 'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Aussies turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

Regards,

RLI