RLI's Joke Page
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RLI
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Thanks lads,
I am slowly getting my sense of humor back. The last seven weeks have been hell. Thanks to folks like you gents on this forum has help lift my morale.
PS, Thanks for your support.
Regards,
RLI (Paul)
I am slowly getting my sense of humor back. The last seven weeks have been hell. Thanks to folks like you gents on this forum has help lift my morale.
PS, Thanks for your support.
Regards,
RLI (Paul)
RLI
Member
The Gambler
The ATO decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.
The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable..'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandad removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandad says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and piss into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandad stands beside the desk drops his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pisses all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandad's own lawyer yells out the fucking old basterd and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when this fucking old guy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'The basterd!
Regards,
RLI
The ATO decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.
The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable..'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandad removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandad says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and piss into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandad stands beside the desk drops his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pisses all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandad's own lawyer yells out the fucking old basterd and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when this fucking old guy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'The basterd!
Regards,
RLI
Last edited:
RLI
Member
Priest's Retirement Dinner
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people." Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never Be Late!!
Regards,
RLI
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people." Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never Be Late!!
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Catholic Nun!
A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh prawns.
Every time he ate one the dirty prick, would spit the tail in her direction, requiring the poor nun to deflect it.
Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.
The Muslim man looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch."
She laughed and said, "When I yell rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-fucker!"
Regards,
RLI
A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh prawns.
Every time he ate one the dirty prick, would spit the tail in her direction, requiring the poor nun to deflect it.
Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.
The Muslim man looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch."
She laughed and said, "When I yell rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-fucker!"
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Julia Gilard
Julia goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
1. Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it
2. why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
3. weren’t you a communist at university
4. why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions PM.
1. Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it
2. Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
3. weren’t you a communist at university
4. why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian
5. why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
6. what the f*ck happened to Stanley?
Regards,
RLI
Julia goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
1. Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it
2. why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
3. weren’t you a communist at university
4. why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions PM.
1. Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it
2. Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
3. weren’t you a communist at university
4. why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian
5. why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
6. what the f*ck happened to Stanley?
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
RLI
Member
By popular demand! Enjoy
G,day folks,
I edited a post on Scottybobcats thread re his bullbars/.sliders, i have been asked to post it on the Joke thread. Enjoy.
G, day Scotty,
I have to congratulate you on the marvellous 4x4 product range that you are producing. However, looking though the various comments on the posts on this thread, I am somewhat concerned, that’s demonstrated by the following comments listed;
“Hurry up and let us bar you up. Can you post some pics of your rear, What you see is what you get, Yeah would love to see the rear, he is pretty excited about doing this, once he gets his mind into something NOTHING will stop him, I'm ready for one, Thanks Woody why not, I’m getting pumped, Ok we are so much closer now guys, I have a size 12, Ha-ha yeah I know scotty, The jig is made and ready, I'm sure you will be very pleased, Oh and by the way, he's got fairly tight tolerances, Scotty might just take a bit of thought to find a one measurement fits all, Scotty they look sexy. What size it is. You and Trave have done well.
They don’t need to be touched or wear a hole through them looking forward to seeing the rear from rubbing. That’s Trave backing his arse up, just using his arse as a set of vernier calliper’s, interested to see the angle, I know what you mean Jon and that is why I have done this mate. Once we have done these we will start on the rear, Only way round it is for the 2" raise, support someone getting of their arse and having a crack, C U at mid-day Scotty, they are there to protect you from getting T-Boned hard, Had the privilege of going up to visit Scotty and his mate Travis, and the bars came up really professional looking (would not expect anything less from Scotty).
Also got to talking to them about modifying my rear, it’s dangerous going to visit Scotty, was wanting to know if you could do my rear up like bosshog, and going to be one very busy boy! I don’t mind if you want to use me as a ginea pig, I think you get the picture. I was a dumb ass and got a Haymen Reese instead of a combination, Go fella. SHIT that looks great ... now I want mine re-done, we are looking at getting the rear done in the next few weeks; I haven't forgotten to send you measurements Scotty, just flat maggot with work. Pleasure doing business with you Scotty, We have pulled our finger out the last couple of days. I have so much going on in my life at the moment it’s not funny. WOW is all that is needed to be said.
Common Scotty stop the man whoring and get back in the shed, sorry guys I haven’t been on for a few days. I have been man whoring; now that’s defiantly a valid excuse..... Whore it up ya bastard. Is that the sliders phone number or the manwhore booking number? Don’t get the 2 mixed up mate; Scotty might have to talk to you about a package deal! Hahaha, good stuff look forward to seeing the pictures, C'mon guys get your Xmas orders in. Treat yourselves to a present. Any rear bar work yet? Starting on a rear tomorrow night, Sick! That’s a nice rear Rusty, Scotty - what’s happening mate?
It sounds more like a sunk to the nuts 4x4 massage parlour enterprise staring both Krafty PG and young Dave the administrator! What the f—ks going on!
PS, I hope you enjoy the editing!
Regards,
RLI
G,day folks,
I edited a post on Scottybobcats thread re his bullbars/.sliders, i have been asked to post it on the Joke thread. Enjoy.
4X4 products or just plain porn!
G, day Scotty,
I have to congratulate you on the marvellous 4x4 product range that you are producing. However, looking though the various comments on the posts on this thread, I am somewhat concerned, that’s demonstrated by the following comments listed;
“Hurry up and let us bar you up. Can you post some pics of your rear, What you see is what you get, Yeah would love to see the rear, he is pretty excited about doing this, once he gets his mind into something NOTHING will stop him, I'm ready for one, Thanks Woody why not, I’m getting pumped, Ok we are so much closer now guys, I have a size 12, Ha-ha yeah I know scotty, The jig is made and ready, I'm sure you will be very pleased, Oh and by the way, he's got fairly tight tolerances, Scotty might just take a bit of thought to find a one measurement fits all, Scotty they look sexy. What size it is. You and Trave have done well.
They don’t need to be touched or wear a hole through them looking forward to seeing the rear from rubbing. That’s Trave backing his arse up, just using his arse as a set of vernier calliper’s, interested to see the angle, I know what you mean Jon and that is why I have done this mate. Once we have done these we will start on the rear, Only way round it is for the 2" raise, support someone getting of their arse and having a crack, C U at mid-day Scotty, they are there to protect you from getting T-Boned hard, Had the privilege of going up to visit Scotty and his mate Travis, and the bars came up really professional looking (would not expect anything less from Scotty).
Also got to talking to them about modifying my rear, it’s dangerous going to visit Scotty, was wanting to know if you could do my rear up like bosshog, and going to be one very busy boy! I don’t mind if you want to use me as a ginea pig, I think you get the picture. I was a dumb ass and got a Haymen Reese instead of a combination, Go fella. SHIT that looks great ... now I want mine re-done, we are looking at getting the rear done in the next few weeks; I haven't forgotten to send you measurements Scotty, just flat maggot with work. Pleasure doing business with you Scotty, We have pulled our finger out the last couple of days. I have so much going on in my life at the moment it’s not funny. WOW is all that is needed to be said.
Common Scotty stop the man whoring and get back in the shed, sorry guys I haven’t been on for a few days. I have been man whoring; now that’s defiantly a valid excuse..... Whore it up ya bastard. Is that the sliders phone number or the manwhore booking number? Don’t get the 2 mixed up mate; Scotty might have to talk to you about a package deal! Hahaha, good stuff look forward to seeing the pictures, C'mon guys get your Xmas orders in. Treat yourselves to a present. Any rear bar work yet? Starting on a rear tomorrow night, Sick! That’s a nice rear Rusty, Scotty - what’s happening mate?
It sounds more like a sunk to the nuts 4x4 massage parlour enterprise staring both Krafty PG and young Dave the administrator! What the f—ks going on!
PS, I hope you enjoy the editing!
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
A platoon of soldiers
A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.'
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum-bag who sucked goats cocks.
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a fucking kangeroo fucker, good-for-nothing, left wing labor dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin is a poofter and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? that sounds like you are talking about your own Prime Minister Julia Gillard!'
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.'
Regards,
RLI
--
A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.'
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum-bag who sucked goats cocks.
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a fucking kangeroo fucker, good-for-nothing, left wing labor dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin is a poofter and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? that sounds like you are talking about your own Prime Minister Julia Gillard!'
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.'
Regards,
RLI
--
RLI
Member
Julia Gillard
On a recent trip to the United States , Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia, addressed a major gathering of Red Indians. She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for Carbon Trading Tax for Australia .. At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Ms Gillard then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Ms Gillard.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly and by the size of its arse theres definitely no room for its tail feathers!
Regards,
RLI
On a recent trip to the United States , Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia, addressed a major gathering of Red Indians. She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for Carbon Trading Tax for Australia .. At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Ms Gillard then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Ms Gillard.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly and by the size of its arse theres definitely no room for its tail feathers!
Regards,
RLI
Last edited:
RLI
Member
The Light turned yellow
The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the traffic lights, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
Regards,
RLI
The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the traffic lights, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Father of my child!
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says"Hello!".
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while
your partner whipped my arse with wet celery stick?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Regards,
RLI
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says"Hello!".
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while
your partner whipped my arse with wet celery stick?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Wow, how tough are Australians!
The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the heavens above. Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire ... one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each renowned for their bravado and self-confidence. A few drinks and the talk begins....
Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng-glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by.I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends"
Hansie from Seth Efrika (who can't stand to be bettered) said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng-glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today"
Colin, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis....
Regards,
RLI
The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the heavens above. Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire ... one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each renowned for their bravado and self-confidence. A few drinks and the talk begins....
Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng-glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by.I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends"
Hansie from Seth Efrika (who can't stand to be bettered) said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng-glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today"
Colin, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis....
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Failed to get directions
A Scottish bag-piper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.
The piper was not familiar with the backwoods, and he got lost and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the excavator and work crew left and they were eating lunch.
The piper felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already inplace.
He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and no friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.
And has he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. When he finished he packed up his bagpipes and headed for his car.
As the piper opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."
Regards,
RLI
A Scottish bag-piper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.
The piper was not familiar with the backwoods, and he got lost and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the excavator and work crew left and they were eating lunch.
The piper felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already inplace.
He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and no friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.
And has he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. When he finished he packed up his bagpipes and headed for his car.
As the piper opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want.
I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her.... 'You want....... garlic chicken wif snow peas?
Regards,
RLI
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want.
I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her.... 'You want....... garlic chicken wif snow peas?
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Sex in the shower!
In a recent survey, Australian aboriginal males have Proved to be the most likely to have had sex In the shower!
In the survey, carried out by a Leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86%, Of aboriginal males, said that they have had Sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Regards,
RLI
In a recent survey, Australian aboriginal males have Proved to be the most likely to have had sex In the shower!
In the survey, carried out by a Leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86%, Of aboriginal males, said that they have had Sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Irish diet
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ....... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from the all the fucking' skippin'
Regards,
RLI
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ....... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from the all the fucking' skippin'
Regards,
RLI
