d22dave
Member
lmao chew on that
RLI's Joke Page
- Thread starter RLI
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RLI
Member
A woman goes to the Doctor, severely depressed.
The Doctor asks: "What's wrong?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.. Every time my husband comes home drunk, we always end up arguing and fighting."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. Next time when your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water... I swished and swished, and he didn't become argumentative! How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does f*ck all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!
Regards,
RLI
The Doctor asks: "What's wrong?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.. Every time my husband comes home drunk, we always end up arguing and fighting."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. Next time when your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water... I swished and swished, and he didn't become argumentative! How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does f*ck all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
An illegal Arab boat refugee goes to a Australian Doctor on Christmas Island and says "I feel terrible".
The Doctor says "You need to piss and shit in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish a rotting cabbage and some vomit.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for 3 days".
The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor advises "You were f—king homesick! now piss-off!
Regards,
RLI
The Doctor says "You need to piss and shit in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish a rotting cabbage and some vomit.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for 3 days".
The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor advises "You were f—king homesick! now piss-off!
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Multitasking!
'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'
Regards,
RLI
'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
German Tourist
A German Tourist jumped in the freezing waters Port Phillip bay in Melbourne to save a old ladies little dog!
Upon getting back onto the jetty, he checked the little dog over and told the old lady " Ze dog is ok, He vill be fine!
Due to his selfless heroic act, the little old lady asked, "are you a vet?"
He replied,"vet? I'm fucking soaked!"
Regards,
RLI
A German Tourist jumped in the freezing waters Port Phillip bay in Melbourne to save a old ladies little dog!
Upon getting back onto the jetty, he checked the little dog over and told the old lady " Ze dog is ok, He vill be fine!
Due to his selfless heroic act, the little old lady asked, "are you a vet?"
He replied,"vet? I'm fucking soaked!"
Regards,
RLI
Last edited:
RLI
Member
Dave met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between them and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at his feet. As they laid there making love, Dave thought "Gee These taser guns are well worth the money".
Regards,
RLI,
Regards,
RLI,
d22dave
Member
d22dave
Member
Woody,s scared
RLI
Member
Marriage
Marriage is like a deck of cards..
In the begining, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a f--king club and a spade!
Regards,
RLI
Marriage is like a deck of cards..
In the begining, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a f--king club and a spade!
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a schooner of anything except Stella.
The barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
The bloke says, "I had 12 schooners of Stella last night and when I came round in the morning, I was fucking broke."
The barman says, "12 schooners of anything costs about the same mate."
The bloke replies, "Broke's the family dog."
Regards,
RLI
The barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
The bloke says, "I had 12 schooners of Stella last night and when I came round in the morning, I was fucking broke."
The barman says, "12 schooners of anything costs about the same mate."
The bloke replies, "Broke's the family dog."
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .............
F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
Regards,
RLI
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .............
F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
It took awhile for the local Police to get to where the jet plane crashed.
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the N/Qld farm.
The Police Sgt and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Jack," the Sgt yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yea mate, I f- - king Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, slowly he turned off the tractor's engine.
"Sgt" Do you realise that the Airforce plane was the airplane of the Prime Minister of Australia ?"
"Yes says Jack."
Sgt "Were there any survivors?"
Jack "Nope. They's were all killed straight out," "I just finished burring them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"Prime Minister Gillard is dead?" the Sgt asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "She kept saying she wasn't... But you know how bad that bitch lies.."
Regards,
RLI
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the N/Qld farm.
The Police Sgt and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Jack," the Sgt yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yea mate, I f- - king Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, slowly he turned off the tractor's engine.
"Sgt" Do you realise that the Airforce plane was the airplane of the Prime Minister of Australia ?"
"Yes says Jack."
Sgt "Were there any survivors?"
Jack "Nope. They's were all killed straight out," "I just finished burring them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"Prime Minister Gillard is dead?" the Sgt asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "She kept saying she wasn't... But you know how bad that bitch lies.."
Regards,
RLI
Two indigenous Australians were driving their old
Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance
they saw a police "booze bus".
Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it.
As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said
'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk!
Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that,
I got a letter from the doctor saying I'm asthmatic
and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'
The cop smirked and said 'OK - in that case,
we require you to give a blood sample.'
'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver.
'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin'
I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave
a blood sample.
Sorry, boss, can't do that!'
By now the copper was getting very irate,
and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said
'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'
The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'
'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver,
'It's from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely
country of Australia - she's apologised, and says that
you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!
Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance
they saw a police "booze bus".
Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it.
As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said
'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk!
Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that,
I got a letter from the doctor saying I'm asthmatic
and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'
The cop smirked and said 'OK - in that case,
we require you to give a blood sample.'
'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver.
'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin'
I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave
a blood sample.
Sorry, boss, can't do that!'
By now the copper was getting very irate,
and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said
'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'
The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'
'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver,
'It's from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely
country of Australia - she's apologised, and says that
you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!
RLI
Member
Cactus Jack and the Gay man.
It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was an Aboriginal called Cactus Jack.
He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards Cactus and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
Cactus leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and beat the fucking the shit out of him.
He dragged the pillow biting fagot out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.
Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to Cactus and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before.
What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," Cactus replied.. "Something about a job."
Regards,
RLI
It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was an Aboriginal called Cactus Jack.
He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards Cactus and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
Cactus leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and beat the fucking the shit out of him.
He dragged the pillow biting fagot out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.
Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to Cactus and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before.
What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," Cactus replied.. "Something about a job."
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Who would you pick?
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
However, if it was me i would run the old lady over and put her out of her f--king misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend to the nearest pub for a few beers.
PS, Old Tony told me to say the above!
Regards,
RLI
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
However, if it was me i would run the old lady over and put her out of her f--king misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend to the nearest pub for a few beers.
PS, Old Tony told me to say the above!
Regards,
RLI
i thought i saw a dent on Tony's bonnet 
RLI
Member
Little Jonny
The children filed into class Monday morning.
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” "Very good, Mary" said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. "They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog shit!' Then I would say, 'It is dog shit. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?'
I used the Gillard approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
Regards,
RLI
The children filed into class Monday morning.
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” "Very good, Mary" said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. "They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog shit!' Then I would say, 'It is dog shit. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?'
I used the Gillard approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
Regards,
RLI
joshman
Member
Hahaha! That's a cracker Paul! Hope you're one the mend!
