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I wasn't stuck today I travelled 40 odd k's between offices then in the afternoon same business different location and the buildings where about 40 steps apart. The location changed every hour or so.

I miss the driving trucks but I'll never miss it enough to either work for someone else or become an owner driver again.
 
A hooker goes to the DR and the DR says congratulations your pregnant,do you know who the father is.The hooker looks at the DR and says if you ate a can of baked beans would you know which bean made you fart.
 
Paddy has broken his leg and
his buddy Mike comes over to see him.

Mike says, "How you doin'?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor, run upstairs and
get me my slippers, my feet are freezing." Mike goes
upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin
daughters lying on the bed.He says, "Your dad's sent me
up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "No
way Prove it." Mike shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of
em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's
the point of fuckin' one?"
 
Nevyn said:
Paddy has broken his leg and
his buddy Mike comes over to see him.

Mike says, "How you doin'?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor, run upstairs and
get me my slippers, my feet are freezing." Mike goes
upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin
daughters lying on the bed.He says, "Your dad's sent me
up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "No
way Prove it." Mike shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of
em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's
the point of fuckin' one?"
Click to expand...

An oldie but still a goodie.:sarcastic:
 
Nevyn said:
Paddy has broken his leg and
his buddy Mike comes over to see him.

Mike says, "How you doin'?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor, run upstairs and
get me my slippers, my feet are freezing." Mike goes
upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin
daughters lying on the bed.He says, "Your dad's sent me
up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "No
way Prove it." Mike shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of
em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's
the point of fuckin' one?"
Click to expand...

Lol, never heard that one.

Like it.

Good one to Scott.

Dave.
 
A loud, fat, horrendously ugly woman walks into K-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenties at the pair as she entered.

The greeter said "Welcome to K-Mart. Nice children, are they twins?"

The woman stopped hurling profanities long enough to say "One is 9, the other 7, how can they be twins? Are you blind or stupid?"

"Ma'am," said the greeter, "I am neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a nice day!"
 
A friend of mine recently got struck off for having sex with his patients.....








Damn shame cause he's a flamin good vet.
 
A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience
in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took
up all the Telstra floats. Then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard.
"How am I doing so far?"
 
Paddy and Mick were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past
loaded up with rolls of turf.



Paddy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery…'



“What's dat den?”asks Mick.


“Send me lawn away to be cut”…
 
Mother took her son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit and complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet...

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f***ing life, she's reversing!!"
 
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!



I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong, and I'll check it out "

I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."
 
Johnnie and his father are sitting on the front veranda watching two dogs go at it on the front lawn, he turns to his father and says.

"What are those two dogs doing Dad?"

His father thinks quick and replies with, "Well see son, the dog in the back has sore paws and the dog in the front is being a good mate and helping him get home."

Johnnie thinks for several seconds and replies, "Well that's typical of this town isn't it!" His father is sitting with a quizzical look on his face as Johnnie continues, "Help a mate out and all they do is F&^% you up the arse.
 
Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.

One asked the other, "What are ya up to, mate?"

"Ahh, I'm gunna be takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"



Alan
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Perth fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Melbourne reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Tasmanian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Tasweigan replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins...


Alan
 
I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie,
large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two
days'.. I told him 'I wish I had your will power'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fat chick served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said
'sorry about the wait'. I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll
lose it eventually'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad
reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,
'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her
husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my
pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her
husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:happy_smile:
 
Breaking news: The Prince of Qatar is now flying to Zurich to thank Sepp Blatter from FIFA in person and return his daughter to him safe and unharmed
 

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